


all in my head

by cherryblondes



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: First Time Blow Jobs, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, M/M, Porn with Feelings, but i'm posting it anyway whoop, crack if you squint, innocence is played up hardcore, lets play the 'find the undiscovered/unconscious kink' game, virgin!sicheng
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 12:53:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15119804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryblondes/pseuds/cherryblondes
Summary: nct moan audios are a thing...unfortunately





	all in my head

**Author's Note:**

> hey i'm el  
> i've always wanted to write a drunk fic cause I'm a fun drunk so my friends took it upon themselves to get me wasted and hand me a laptop  
> they were still smart enough to not let me post it until i was sober just to make sure I hadn't written some hardcore bullshit.  
> now here we are  
> i was still kRunK as fucc so there's most likely some errors I'm to lazy/busy to fix so yeha that 
> 
> enjoy frendos

sicheng pressed his finger cautiously to the video holding it there and breathing in to prepare himself for what might greet his ears. the thumbnail was a flattering photo of yuta in a black mask. squinting mostly out of exhaustion at the camera pointed at him. his hair the color of dark chocolate rustled in the wind showing off his pretty silver piercings. his screen started to dim from lack of use so with a jolt he lightly pressed the ‘play’. sicheng squeezed his eyes shut to keep from having to look at the photo. he could just pretend it was someone enjoying some really good food, or porn. sicheng shivered slightly at the thought of sitting casual mid-day watching porn. no, lets not pretend porn.  
a fan had tweeted a suspicious fan youtube channel to them earlier today. and sicheng, being the curious dumbass he is decided to click on it without thinking.  
as fate would have it’s an archive of ‘nct moan audios’ whatever the fuck that meant. so he listened to one labeled with his name , it seemed to be a pitched porn audio to sound like his voice. sicheng couldn't help but laugh at the thought of people thinking he actually sounded like this. it was all fun and games until he stumbled on some of the other member’s.  
yuta’s specifically.  
a second passed, or maybe five, sicheng couldn't tell either way he had his phone in a death grip his face smashed into the pillow trying to hear nothing but the voice that may or may not come and ruin his fragile purit-

_“oh”_

was the only thought he could process when a crackled desperate gasp came through the speakers of his earbuds. a voice, sweet and broken cursed softly even though it rang like church bells in sicheng’s ears. he was frozen in place unable to move, he knew that they just got porn audio and pitched it.  
but it sounded _so much like_ yuta  
a brief panic washed over him as he thought foolishly that maybe this person had really gotten audio of yuta. he really didn't have much to distract himself with that. more breathing but slightly faster and a bit more sound to them. was this strange man that sounded suspiciously like his bandmate about to cum? and was sicheng about to listen to it?

a few seconds later said yes, yes he was.

the video stopped abruptly, auto-playing apparently part 1 of ‘guy who sounds like yuta’ moaning.  
he would save that for a later date.

_wait, what._

he would not listen to these anymore, he would report this account, this was illegal right? it was illegal to make sexually confused people more sexually confused right? that was definitely illegal. as much as he was in love with the voice and the person whom it was meant to portray, this was beyond an invasion of privacy and becoming perverted. before he was able to rationalize burning his phone and never ever going onto the internet again-

he was pressing replay.  
cold with an edge of a high pitch at the ends.  
it was beautiful, in its own twisted way.  
i think the reasons the other audios made me sick was because it didn't sound like them at all, and everyone in the comments was like ‘omg so hot i need holy water asdsfjkl’  
and i was thinking ‘it aint that deep’.  
he found himself listening to it again and again taken by the pretty voice that breathed through the speakers. totally mesmerized, staring at nothing and everything, breath held. he spent what felt like hours with his eyes closed, breathing in time with yuta. by what was probably the 8th play he opened his eyes squinting out into the dim light of his shared room. he looked at yutas perfectly folded shirts draped over the desk chair. his 6 pairs of house slippers(“one for every emotion.”)all piled on top of each other by the door. and into the floor mirror hanging from the door.  
he saw himself curled into a ball under his piles of blankets, looking like a true creep. like the person running this account. or worse the one watching it(was his watch history off, oh god). he unceremoniously ripped out his headphones and tried to forget the desperate breaths of fake yuta. real yuta would sound nothing like that in bed right?  
sicheng’s ears burned. he was not thinking about yuta...like that. he was not he was not he was not he was not. he was?  
he was.  
he was a mature adult male, he should be able to be comfortable with exploring his sexuality and not getting embarrassed about it. he was 20 years old damn it, he could make out with people, go to clubs drink some beer or whatever, touch..himself? right? as much as he had thought it up and lived it in his head...none of those things have really happened to him yet. he was a sheltered, only physically pure kinda guy. and as much as he’d love to give away his precious burdensome ‘v card’ one thing stood in his way. well, two things actually.  
one- he’s an idol and unfortunately going around and grinding up on people at bars was probably not cool.  
two- he was bisexual, and he was sure that going to club and grinding up on guys was probably even less cool.  
alright maybe there was a third reason…  
but he wasn't sure it he should venture it at this point. his stupid crush on the sensual man from japan(hey that rhymed)was beyond forbidden. and everytime he tried to sort out his feelings for him he blushed dangerous amounts and his mind wandered to places it shouldn't go. or rather places sicheng didn't want to go, at least not yet. let’s be honest with ourselves here though, how could sicheng not fall for his amazing sexy hyung?  
yuta has a sharp dominant air about him, to most he seems haughty but that melted when he smiled. what felt like a million teeth flashing all at once in a goofy spaced out half circle. sicheng smiled thinking about it. he was warm and welcoming on the inside as much as he gave everyone(but him) a hard time. he was a sweet with a hard, sometimes bitter, coating. sicheng bit his lips. was yuta the same in bed? sicheng closed his eyes and relaxed, he was so good at daydreaming he should get a degree in it.  
maybe he would push him-or just someone anyone really it didn't have to him. nope, not at all. he could kiss someone passionately and instantly take dominance marking them up saying _“your mine, only mine, yeah?”_.

the line was cliche but it made something deep in sicheng stir. undressing them slowly, hands roaming gripping so tight onto their waist that it might bruise. no, it would definitely bruise. a bruise that would last days after so they would never forget who that belonged to. roughly mapping out the space of their mouth tracing and memorizing every foreign edge until they went pliant beneath his hold. he’d pull them on the bed, his hot breath fanning over their kiss swollen lips as he held their arms above their head. a smirk that wasn't meant to heal but to seduce. his perfect lithe hips against theirs. biting their lips with his perfect teeth. hands on their ass with his perfect hands. and across his perfect tongue he would say-

_“you're so good for me sichengie.”_

sicheng’s stomach was in a hundred knots his eyes snapped open as the blood pounded away in every part of his body. the flush burned angrily beneath his cheeks as he felt the tell tale signs of something _different_ between his legs. he tried to drag himself up by the heel of his hands underestimating how sensitive he was earning a choked noise from his throat before he could stop it. he laid back defeated onto the pile of strewn pillows trying his best to problem solve, which he wasn't very good at. his options were limited, he could sit here in what was becoming a painful situation and suffer. or he could take the obvious choice that every part of his body was yelling at him to do. sicheng always chose the former. he wasn't held by any religious belief or confusion on what he should do. he knew perfectly well. it’s the thought of jerking it to someone you see everyday, a co-worker, his best friend. it all seemed like a violation of yuta’s privacy somehow. using him as an object for sicheng’s own sexual pleasure disgusted him. sure, yuta had an erotic air around him that sicheng practically lapped up but that wasn't all he was after. he wanted to feed yuta ice cream and play with his hair, hold his hands and kiss his pain away. he adored yutas smile and his perfect laugh, there wasn't a single thing sicheng would do away with. he wasn't sure if he could call this love but when he took that online quiz(“do you love him???????!!”) last night he got a “totally, girl!” which seemed like a good sign. he’s been controlling his feelings for years, he could do it for another couple minutes, right?

sicheng shifted onto his stomach to relieve some of the pressure threatening to cloud his better judgment. oh dear god was that a terrible idea. the mattress cradled his arousal perfectly the slightest amount of friction applied when is boxers brushed against the tip. he let out an embarrassingly high groan at the feeling. he was not an animal, he could control his desires for a second or two. sicheng was tense, stretched thin as rubber band and if he moved his hips down he would definitely snap. sicheng quickly tried to fill his mind with bullshit to distract himself. he’d been good at this since he was young, being able to get rid of all sexual feelings from sheer force of will.

“u-ah-um.” he shifted slightly to be able to hear his own voice, his tone squeaky from disuse and the ridiculous amount of want hanging over his brain. he quickly thought of the least sexy thing he could say to himself. all that came out was a sick guttural groan.  
apparently sicheng was an animal, at least his body thought he was. his hips rocked forward mindlessly into the soft friction of the mattress. so many embarrassing noises fell from his permanently parted lips. his imagination revved up and took advantage of his vulnerable position. starting a fantasy that put wet dreams to shame.

_“baby you look so beautiful when you beg.” yuta said veiny hands ghosting over sicheng’s neglected cock. yuta pressed his thumb to the slit and collecting globs of precum then slowly bringing the soiled digit to his lips. with sinful eye contact licking it clean. sicheng already felt like coming right here and right now with yutas eyes on him alone. “so good for me baby, hyung will make you feel good okay?” sicheng nodded weakly becoming a puddle under yutas hands. between his lashes he could see yuta’s tan bare skin on display as he sat on his knees between his thighs. one hand massaging the soft flesh of his ass and it should be weird but it’s not. it just feels really really good. sicheng hid his scarlet face in yuta’s shoulder his moans muffled as he leaned into yuta’s touch. sicheng felt so close as yuta flicked his wrist perfectly earning a sharp gasp. “are you gonna come for hyung, baby?” he whispered into his ear and sicheng felt like he was on fire. yuta speed, his face, everything. making sicheng pant with the force of it. he'd never blushed so much in his life, when he was so close every part of him chanted_

_yuta_  
_yuta._  
_yuta._

_“sichengie?”_

“sichengie!”

sicheng’s eyes snapped open at the very real voice coming closer to him. he wrinkled his nose briefly at the cum drying on his skin, focusing more vividly that it was yutas voice that called.

“what hyung?” he yelled back his voice strained, it felt weird to call him hyung after… whatever that was. he wouldn't say he was ashamed so much as impressed. he made himself cum from his thoughts and a mattress. this was a story he could talk at parties “hell yeah guys, the first time i masturbated i just ground in a mattress thinking about my bandmate jerking me off. top that brad!”. sicheng didn't know a brad, but he might meet one at the next party he was invited to and when that day came he was prepared to tell that story. if he lived that long. sicheng heard footsteps padding down the hallways to their shared room. sicheng sat up pulling a pillow quickly into his lap and sitting strategically on the wet patch on the sheets. he was way past uncomfortable and going into straight up disgusting. everything clung to him cellophane and he felt very on display. his underwear surely ruined but he was too scared to look down underneath the comforter afraid he make this all too real.

  
yuta burst through the door with a pout on his perfect lips. one hand firmly in the doorknob the other planted on his hip in what seemed like…. anger?? he wore a huge t-shirt that said 'i don't argue i just explain why i'm right’ on it, the one donghyuck got him for his birthday last year. there was a huge permanent salsa stain on the back from when ten and johnny made 'hispanic themed weapons’. which apparently means balloons filled with chile verde coming at you from all directions. what looked like thin gray spandex from where sicheng was sitting. he hoped to god it wasn't, he didn't need two unwanted erections in one day. he tried not to look at yutas lower half, even if it wasn't featured in sicheng's daydreams it felt impolite.

 _the man of the hour_ , his useless brain supplied.

“what do you mean 'what hyung’? you called me, what do you need hoe?”

he opened his mouth to tell him not to call him that-

_wait, i called him?_

“i didn't call you…” sicheng said unsure because maybe he did, anything after he wandered into dreamland he can't remember. he blushed at the memory, covering it with a cough.

“yes you did! i heard it while i was trying to watch scandal-like this 'yuta, yuta, yuta~~.”

_no no no_

sicheng went white.

the only bad thing about having such a vivid imagination is that it's hard to separate dream from reality.  
  
“didn't even call me hyung, lil bitch. have some respect for your elders.”

“i-i don’t, sorry hyung.”

sicheng felt like he was dying, like his heart was slowing down threatening to stop. maybe if he just stopped living everything would be all gucci. or he could fly back to china and resume his traditional dance career, maybe he could get a flight tomorrow. he won’t take anything, he leaves all earthly possessions to renjun and chenle.

“oh hey that's a really nice picture of me.”

maybe he could get a ticket for yuta to go back to japan. sicheng casually and unhelpfully remembered that his phone doesn't automatically turn off anymore so he can read his webtoons without having to continuously tap his phone all the time. he turns his head in what seems like slow motion to see the flattering photo edit of yuta sitting innocently on his screen. he thinks about reaching for it but he didn't want to run the risk of yuta seeing the mess he’s made. so he slowly pitifully tugged at the cord of his earbuds. of course god just couldn't let him have this one.

“is that an edit i know i do not look that handsome.” yuta snarked leaning closer to the photo and to sichengs absolute horror tapping the screen the check the title of the video. and “yuta~ moan audio part.2” and all it's cancerous glory appearing helpfully in the corner of the screen. yutas face was unreadable going from expression to expression never once looking over at sicheng.  
“what is that suppose mean.” he said….offended??? he was horrible at reading people. snatching up the phone and going out of fullscreen and scrolling the suggested videos. yuta was probably disgusted, he wasn't expressing it now out of shock but he was definitely in a shit ton of trouble. stupid stupid little boy, this is why you shouldn't trust people with 'always stay on that grind’ as their twitter bio. sicheng loves his fans, he does, but they come up with the weirdest things. sicheng's self criticism was interrupted by a figure moving in front of him.

_shit fuck yuta right that_

“look, hyung, i'm really sorry. a fan recommended it to us on twitter and i swear on my ass i didn't know what it was really, honest.” he'd get on his knees and beg if he trusted himself to move but his limbs felt like pasta from the way yuta just stared at him. unblinking.  
“did it sound like me?” yuta smirked resting his chin dangerously close to the mess he'd unknowingly caused. every rational bone in sicheng's body told him to lie his pretty (stupid) blonde head off and say he found it funny and laugh it off.  
“uncanny.” was what left his mouth instead tumbling from him like an exhale.  
yuta looked at him in amusement.  
“trick question. you don't know what i would sound like.” he tapped sicheng's thighs making him nearly rocket out of his sitting position. “gotcha.” yuta winks with his perfect eyes, and those perfect teeth unsheathed and waved at him. he stood up and sauntered towards the door. and sicheng let's him go, but not without a plan.  
it takes a whole ass 10 minutes to get himself up from his sticky nest and get in the shower. final washing away the remaining evidence of his grave sin down the drain. he scrubs his face hard slapping it a few times because people do that in movies a lot. he needs a plan. rational sicheng starts to categorize his thoughts, damn what a helpful guy.  
sicheng wants yuta to fuck him.  
preferably today when he's a little braver and they have the house to themselves.  
how will sicheng get this?  
the art of seduction of course.  
how will sicheng execute that?  
sicheng doesn't know.

the water is switched off with a squeak as sicheng towels off quickly putting on a huge monsta x world tour shirt he bought online that dropped to his mid thighs opting for nothing underneath because fuck you. shuffling out into the hallway met by the faint sound of dramatic music drifting over to him goosebumps raising as heard yuta gasp at something. he was really fucking doing this.  
he waddles towards the common area seeing yutas truffle colored hair peeking over the back of the couch. he stood there for a second staring at yutas head his heart pounding so hard yuta could definitely hear it. he breathed in shallowly.  
“yuta.” he croaked not bothering with honorifics fearing his voice would give out.  
yuta whipped around slightly frightened by the weak sounding voice so close to him.  
“oh god, sichengie you the shit out of me. what's up, buttercup?” he paused the show leaning on the back of the couch giving sicheng his full attention.  
a blush set on his skin remembering how completely naked he was but he remembered 'le art of seduction’.  
“uhm, i have a request-” he was definitely under selling this “-a really big request.”  
yuta smiled chipperly it made his heart ' _kerthump_ ’ thinking about how quick that smile would fall when he said the next part.  
“anything sichengie.” that was his cue. he walked to the other side of the couch tugging down the edges of the t-shirt to keep his modestly in his final moments of life. yutas eyes followed him like he was prey, coming back to a sitting position. a question in his eyes when sicheng inched toward him nervously. his shins touching yutas knees. the silence felt too long.  
“hyung i'd like it if you'd…”

_well now or never_

he seated his ass on yutas bare thighs, his own milkier ones on either side of him. he forced himself to ignore the face yuta made when be most likely felt sichengs dick touch his legs. there was really no reason for him to say the next part except for dramatic effect.  
“fuck me,” sicheng didn't look up, couldn't "please.". he stared at the contrast of there skin together he was on the verge of ugly crying at how pent up and stupid he felt. he'd reject him if he was yuta. “okay.”  
a tiny sicheng shaped ghost floated out the top of his head just now. watch him go.  
then there's a hand on his knee and it's not his own. and there's a finger pushing up on his chin.  
“i wouldn't make you ask but it’s just too damn cute.”  
then there are lips on his and he freezes then melts. it's his first kiss but he doesn't think he'll stop yuta who's basically attacking his lips to tell him he has no clue what he's doing. yuta puffs out a laugh against his mouth, placing one of his hands firmly on sichengs other thigh. he presses harder against sicheng's lips and slides his other hand over his shoulder and down the chinese boy's back, settling it on his waist.  
wrapped in his hold like this, sicheng can't help but toss the rest of his inhibitions aside, whining openly as he shifts to get closer. his breath stutters when yuta parts his lips and nibbles lightly at his own full bottom lip, and his stomach warms as yuta squeezes his thigh.  
"yuta," he gasps, trembling fingers tugging at his shirt.  
the groan that vibrates against his lips sends his head spinning. this isn't happening. it can't be. he has to be dreaming. it wouldn't be the first time his imagination has conjured up fantasies like this. countless of breathless kisses later and it still doesn’t feel quite real, with yutas hands solid on his waist, kissed-swollen mouth mouthing over his jaw, tongue curling wetly against his skin, eyelashes brushing gently against the curve of his cheek, and it's just so much.  
and a little disorienting. this is more than he knows what to do with. sicheng's hands roam beneath yutas shirt. he lets his tongue stray to yutas palate, firm, then bites at the skin of yutas lower lip and is rewarded with a hitch of breath that knocks all the wind out of sicheng, undoes him completely. he'd willingly draw that sound out of yuta, again and again.  
sicheng breaks the kiss for a moment and draws back. a deep full-body flush creeps over the neckline of yutas shirt, across his face like dawn. his eyes are half lidded, lips cherry-red; he looks thoroughly fucked and they've only been kissing so far.  
so far?  
how far are they gonna go?  
the possibility of having everything he wants today at 2:54 in the fucking afternoon is exciting.  
sicheng has imagined, more often than he could ever admit, how yuta would look over him with his signature smirk, dirty and charming and screaming _sex_. it’s a lot easier to picture now, though, and the mental image makes his mouth go dry.  
yuta’s shirt comes off easily and sicheng takes in the sight of collarbones, chest, navel, the tiny happy trail into his waistband.  
it’s nothing he hasn’t seen before, felt before. but now he's allowed to touch with intention, to linger, and he does. he skims his hands over yutas chest, feeling the firm lines of muscle, rubbing his fingertips over yutas nipples. and here comes another revelation: that there's always more to learn. like how yuta is sensitive here, and (hand now moving southward) here - no, there -

“ _fuck baby_.” yutas keens, hand grabs at his, which is palming curiously at the growing length in his spandex (lord have _mercy_ ).  
in one swift move yuta has him pinned against the couch. his shirt riding up on his thighs but not enough to see anything. yutas hands started to move up his shirt. icy fingertips lighting tiny flames beneath sicheng's skin.  
he was probably imagining the way his own hands trembled just a little bit as they reached for the waistband of yutas spandex , fingers holding onto the hem just a little too long. shy, even though he had seen yuta naked countless times before, he began peeling the fabric off, and sicheng hated to admit his own dick twitching as yutas “pants” we're tossed god knows where. yuta is only slightly smaller than sicheng, definitely a lot thicker. the sunkissed color makes sicheng only a little jealous(okay a lot). a delicious looking vein runs up the underside and sichengs mind starts to wander farther from present day. against his better judgment his eyes never left yutas crotch, he must have has the dumbest look on his face. as though he had never seen his dick or anyone else’s before.  
“you okay? you're drooling.” yuta only sounds 45% concerned the other percentage( there is a cock in front of his face you think he's doing that math?)is smugness. how is he supposed to answer that question anyway?  
_yeah dude your penis is by far the most beautiful i've seen in my entire life and i'd take a picture of it and put in a frame. also i love you, low-key._

“yeah you're just...yeah.”  
wow. it seems his ability to speak has also shutdown. that's good, this is fine.  
yuta only chuckles before closing the gap between them. yutas lips grazing his subtle and chaste in comparison to the weight of yutas arousal between them. yutas hands pull up the t shirt and tuck it under his arms. yuta stops when be notices the lack of this things beneath the shirt.  
“i was going to seduce you. yknow 'le art of seduction’.”

 _no no sicheng he doesn't know why, why would you say that you fool_  
“missions accomplished then: i've been thoroughly seduced by your charms.” he knows he’s kidding but a part of him takes pride in the statement.  
“just so you know adding 'le’ in front of things doesn't make them fancy.”  
sicheng's wit went out the door, he couldn't find it in himself to reply.  
yutas fingers brush lightly from base to tip and god he wants this.  
sicheng winces and chokes out a very unsexy noise because it feels like he's been hard for yuta since the day they met. and yutas soft hands hold him like he owns him, none of that kinky bullshit but he's kind of into it. blood pulses loud in his ears when yuta tightens his grip. sicheng curses himself for missing out on years of jerking off because _hell_ this felt good. maybe part of it was that it was another hand around him another pair of eyes on him appraising him like a diamond. everything about the way yuta treats him makes him feel precious. the drag of yutas hand is dry and kind of hurts but sicheng doesn't hate it and he hates himself for not hating it. he shouldn't want yuta to bruise him and bite him as much as he does.  
“tell me what you want baby, i'll give you anything ‘chengie.” then yuta flicks his wrist to emphasize his point sharp eyes drinking him in fondly. sicheng shouldn't moan as loud as he does and he really shouldn't be as close to coming as he is, but it seems that a lot of things that shouldn't be happening are happening. and the tiny rational sicheng in his head that was running around panicked a few seconds ago seems to have gone out for lunch.  
_well might as well make the most of the weirdest day of my life._  
“mouth on me, please.” he gasped out. normally he’d be nervous with someone so close to him but it feels like he’s had yuta before. like maybe in a past life he and yuta have already fucked. or maybe he’s just been imagining it for so many years the real thing is like a dream.  
_sweet fuck_  
sicheng doesn't know why he expects yuta to give him time to think about anything before putting his mouth on his dick. he’s a cruel, cruel man. with a mouth like red velvet.  
not the girl group, he doesnt think they suck dick. last time he checked they weren't even into guys. or he doesn't want to assu- _oh my god shut up_.  
yuta was not a man to hesitate, if he was gonna do something he was gonna do it hard as fuck. no regrets, jump in and fuck shit up.  
and sicheng can report that his shit is definitely being fucked right now.  
yuta’s tongue lays flat against his cock while his lips form an airtight seal around the rest. he bobs his head a bit, causing rather obscene slurping and gurgling noises to fill the room. sicheng’s second hand embarrassment is having a field day as his whole body reaches to dangerous highs. he wraps his hand around the parts he can't reach lightly stroking in sync with his lips and tongue. yuta’s eyes are curtained by his hair silvery blonde hair but sicheng can see him looking up at him. sicheng always thought eye contact during sex would be weird. he was timid guy and someone looking at him when he was in such a vulnerable position seemed a bit uncomfy. but yuta’s passionate gaze, though blocked a bit, was comforting. like he and yuta were thinking the same things. like he wasn't alone.  
they say first times aren't perfect. they usually mean your in highschool and you like fuck in a broom closet or something. he doesn't think anyone that uses that saying has ever had their virginity taken by nakamoto yuta.  
the moment the head of his cock brushes the back of yutas throat, sicheng's heart stops. he doesn't have enough time to warn yuta that he’s about to cum. he doesn't even have time to register it himself until it’s already happening. he shuts his eyes so tight so that maybe he can just pretend that this isn't happening. he hasn't been keeping track of time but it couldn't have been longer than 5 minutes. yuta pulls off almost immediately coughing and choking just a little laying his forehead on sichengs thigh and breathing a bit heavy.  
“oh shit, i think cum came out my nose.” yuta laughs, sicheng feels his head raise from his thigh and silence hold the room. sicheng covers his face, so that maybe yuta won’t see him. that he’ll think he left or something. sadly, yuta’s not a 1 year old child. and just rubs soothing circles over sichengs hip bone making him shiver. other people touching him so intimately is still strange to him. each brush over his skin send his stomach flipping.  
“hey, it’s okay. i’m fine, it happens.” yuta kisses his over his collar bones until he opens his eyes reluctantly. "i shouldve waited for you, i'm sorry." yuta stops touching his hip. peering through the windows between his fingers at yutas smiling face, now painted with blush. "well i-kind of already..." yuta caught sichengs eyes between his fingers. there was a little bit of cum on his cheek like cake frosting. sicheng might have the audacity to call it cute.  
“you're so hot.” is all he can say letting his hands drop to his lap to cover himself from yuta who really had no problem with staring directly into his soul. “i wanted you to fuck me but i-i messed up. i’m sorry.” sicheng would have rambled but post orgasm sleepiness is settling into his anxious muscles. "we messed up together." yuta’s smile is kind and blinding as he lays down beside sicheng on the couch and grips his hand tightly between their damp bare skin.  
it’s easy for him to forget that this is such a horrendously bad idea.  
that the repercussions of them sleeping together without anything else between could lead to sicheng getting crushed. crushed with the weight that yuta may just want his body and not his soul and his heart. that maybe yuta isn't the man he thought he was. that this could all come falling down on him so fast and it would be so easy to forget it’s happening at all. to just go back to his lonely night and lingering thoughts. it would be so easy just to pretend it was all a dream or a joke. to hurt yuta before he hurts him first. sicheng won’t be hurt anymore-

“i love you.” yuta whispers into the air, and sicheng can see it manifest into little cloud letters above his head. and his heart rate slows, his mind starts to jog instead of sprint, and his nerves call a ceasefire. everything will be fine, he tells himself.

  
as long as he doesnt let go.

 

**Author's Note:**

> comments add approximately 2 weeks to my lifespan 
> 
> thanks for reading


End file.
